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Friday, April 15, 2011

More (sorry?)

Obviously, I cannot stop thinking about what to do. I shouldn't feel like I'm in turmoil, but I can't help it.  It's just nothing that I saw coming. I didn't expect a positive change to feel negative.


I'm still not sure what even convincingly how I really feel.  I'm going to work AtHome America like I have not been able to (thanks to the lovely deployment and all the preparation (we are still waiting, even though anyone else is already gone... we've NEVER seen the changes happen that are happening and it's NOT our first time around...) since I took off in December, and we'll take it month by month.  Should I wait the first month of May to see what happens? Shall I give it until the new catalog comes out for fall and winter?  Do I cut my losses?  I don't want to; what I want is for it to work and become better than ever for us all.  I love the HomeWares, I love the people I've met, and I love the concept I felt and still feel is possible.

As for writing. I have this serious problem.  When I'm helping anyone other than myself, I have time, I do it, I finish it (whatever "it" is).  But when it's for me, it's always last on the list. My list. And even when I'm ALMOST finished (because I am never finished), it's never good enough and I'm ashamed to show it to anyone.  Shoot, even this blog, I'm half glad I'm the only one reading it because I KNOW it's garbage. I know I need to proof-read and edit as I would someone else's work. But why?  If I do that, I'll know that none of this matters and that it'll never be good enough, and that I'll realize how stupid I sound; how stupid I am. And then I'll quit.

I'm scared.  Scared to never be good enough. I wasn't always this afraid, but then again, maybe I was.

The only thing I do right, I'm not happy about. I've been working now and then on a few cases which are close to my heart - Emily Jeannette Garcia (Texas); Jennifer Lynn "Servo" Olson (Texas); Tammy Lynn Leppert (Florida); Jerry Faye, Jessica, and Mackenzie Butts (Texas); Jill Dando; Mary Shotwell Little (Georgia); and Ricky Lenn Dyer, Jr. (Nevada).  I'm not happy because I don't have the answers. I can't call the parents and tell them anything at all to make them happy.  Nothing

So I suppose what I need, is to write my own happy ending.  Let's see if we see this one coming.

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